In regards to my post "passive aggressive" I was surprised by the response I received. Not only the comments posted here, but the number of personal emails and messages on facebook where those personally disclosed their experiences similar to mine and/or to simply reach out and offer their support. When the time is ripe I don't hold back and in may ways this has been a huge lesson in me moving forward. I have dealt with all types of bullies in my past, through it all, I never allowed myself to be a victim of it. Unfortunately, my first bully experience was in my own household. A long story for another day. This is the first time I speak of it on my blog and is one I don't disclose to many people, if at all. Now, I stand at a point where I see the design of my life and how the ugly beautiful parts have woven into one. Because if I hadn't lived through the experiences it might not have pushed me to grow in the way that I have, even though there is still much healing and trust I have yet to expand into. Somedays, I ask myself, "
why?" Now, I am understanding the
why(s), more and more,
on a daily basis.
“People may not tell you how they feel about you, but they always show you. Pay attention.” - Kerry Hilson
I think what blew me away once I landed in Sweden was just how subtle the hostility can be, and I honestly feel it is in the worst way, because it flys below the radar. I've had altercations with friends and acquaintances back home before, and when everything is out in the open, at least you know where you stand. Afterward the relationship deepens because true feelings finally bubbled to the surface to be openly looked at and discussed. A deeper authenticity of relationship is then acquired. However, here, you never really know where you stand with someone, but I've learned to read between the lines. Now, after years of travel and not being in my home country for a significant period of time since 2006, I have surprisingly learned how to read and feel people beyond what they say. Granted, with a decade of teaching yoga, this sense of feeling energy has cultivated over time. More than 70% of communciation comes across through body language and nonverbals, if not more. I've learned that, yeah, someone can smile and ask how I am, but there is an energy of disdain behind it. Sure, I'll bite, but I know it is far from the sprit of goodwill, and one I have felt most painfully, but can embrace more fully with practice. This is the juice. As I burn away the impurities inside through transforming any pain or discomfort that arises. It is also a practice in developing discernment. At the same time, I never wish ill to those who have been subtly undercutting because I know karma will naturally unfold if need be. It isn't my place to look for control or power, while it truly shows the quality someone holds within themself. Things have a way of coming full circle. If I am to engage, then I am controlled by conditioning and the rhythm of unconsciousness. There are lessons to be learned. To learn the lesson there is growth. Seeing people for who they really are, beyond conditioned behavior,
pure and innocent.
The above are only little glitches and simply part of the journey and my development. Through it all there have been really good stuff too, most definitely. I only needed to come clean with a few of my experiences. Obstacles are a part of life. Will they beat me down or give me the motivation to lift up? Thankfully, I have the motivation to continue and not be detracted from what is important. What does all this mean? Well, I am not entirely sure, life is mysterious, but I get a sense it has called me to cultivate the art of sincere attention more fully. A moment to moment awareness. Every part, moving me higher. I am also called to take a look at who do I want to be in all of this? Important indeed.
With all this being said, I have aligned to important allies in Sweden, and honestly, most people once you breakthrough, are genuine, grounded, and heartfelt. So, please understand, I am not trying to paint an ugly picture. I think the most surprising part was the animosity felt in the yoga community. This was most alarming, because naively, I thought it would be a community where I would be naturally accepted, hence the spirit of yoga. It's funny because people will judge you for your asana practice alone and think many things from a limited point of view. Just because I have acquired a few advanced poses doesn't mean shit, and even though people say it doesn't matter, through their treatment, they have communicated that it does. In my heart I have always known that yoga doesn't start, stop or end with asana. Whether a beginner, or advanced, why judge or hate? I've spent I don't know how many hours of practice in a room, by myself, with no one watching. To carry on in this way takes more than the simple allure of asana. However, people find it in themselves to question your quest because of your physical appearance. I find it odd. Judgement can swing in either direction.
The most important part in all of this is not being afraid to live in authenticity because there will always be those who will find fault with it. NEWS FLASH, being connected to yoga doesn't look any one way. Interesting that we can place labels within a topic that is ultimately so vast and infinitely bigger than the images we try to emulate, we forget what exactly wants to emerge from within. And well, this is where I will place my attention.
A sincere thank you to all who have been rays of sunshine during times of darkness. Blessings are everywhere.
“Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly, let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can”
- Rumi
